The Enneagram type 4w5|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, September 13th, 2013|
A typical journal entry.
My name is Nathan Przekop, I'm an INFP and Type 4w5 with a Sexual Variant. Sometimes it's hard understand what's going through your head, so I thought I'd post this to show everyone the Type 4w5's primary anxious thought process.
"A lot of the time, people think I'm strange. I've been told so and sometimes this worries or upsets me. Well the truth is just that, I must be strange, but it may be because I don't trust you, or particularly have any reason to like you. I don't hate you, but you frighten me. I can feel it, and I don't focus too well on what is socially acceptable, just the anxiety telling me that you're judging me. That you dislike me, or that you think I'm stupid. And I want all to prove you wrong, but then realize that there's really no need. I'm coy about everything I'm good at, and underneath I'm really narcissistic. Then underneath that, a lack of esteem and yet a perfectionist. Extremely self-critical, where it'll cripple me and I'll lose hope. It can seem needy for attention or some kind of positive response. It's really not though, it's just all my effort. I like response or affirmation, otherwise I'm lost about how it really is, if it's even worth continuing. But people usually don't know this, I don't like to be seen as anything but full of myself. Otherwise people will think I'm shy and not interesting. So I sit quiet, and watch what makes everyone smile. What makes them laugh. That way I can continue to live so peacefully with myself yet partake in the smiling and laughing. However, the anxiety just can't leave me alone, because what if I'm reading everyone and everything entirely wrong. Sometimes I feel like this is my facade, but it's always been this way. This must really be me, and it doesn't feel strange at all. But you all make me feel crazy, even though you're not saying anything about it or even speaking to me. That's just it though, you're not speaking to me."
This is how I feel when sitting in a group and I've tumbled into a socially created anxiety, usually after I state an odd response or receive looks I can interpret too vaguely, or well enough to release I was being judged. Current Mood: Tireless
|Saturday, July 19th, 2008|
What is your relationship to the "Holy Idea" of Holy Origin? How does the relationship manifest in your daily life?
|Monday, April 14th, 2008|
Thought I'd jump in and say hello too.
It'd be good if we could get this group back up and running, those I propose it is someone else who does it (because I'm not one of those inntelektualz).
I am very much a 4, possibly wing 5...I'm not sure. I'm also IN(T/F)P too, both because they're about equal.
I like writing, tea and books.
Nice to meet you all :)
I think I'll leave you something beautiful to contemplate ;)
|Tuesday, January 8th, 2008|
This is my first post here, mostly because I feel like I should at least briefly introduce myself to the community.
I'm an INFP, and although my interest in enneagrams is very recent, I'm fairly sure that I'm a 4w5. I tested as a four, and when looking at the type descriptions, the thing about "feeling unique" practically jumped out of the computer screen and whacked me on the head. As for the wing, I'm just a naturally curious person and I think a lot, enjoy many things intellectual, tend to be introverted, and just identify much more with the five than with three.
I probably won't be on here too much, except to read what other people have to say, but I can never be sure. Personality and psychology are interesting. :)
|Thursday, March 1st, 2007|
Sexual/Self-Perservation 4 with a 5 wing
|Thursday, December 7th, 2006|
this is my first time posting, i dunnos why im here other than i need some sort of outlet...ahaha and yes i AM definately a 4w5 and an INFP (though a friend tried to tell me i was an istp :P)
anywho, i dunnos if its my depression coming back or what. but ive been crying myself to sleep for the past few days, it feels like the fire that i "feed" everyone warmth from (im a leo) is jsut dimming. I tried to reach out to my boyfriend (hes across the country for the past 3 months)and get some sort of reassurance that everything was going to be ok, that there was no need for me to cry...and i relly did try...i usually dont, hoping dearly that it will come naturally. He told me he loved me after a month of no communication and then after taht...nothing...not even "i miss you", i tried to ask him if he could give me a compliment or somethign but he wouldnt do that either :( (hes a capricorn sun, ascendant, and venus...its hard for him to show affection) it just feels like not only is he far away in physical reality, but far away in "spirit". and hes always been like this so i thought i could deal. i know hes not cheating on me and that he still cares about me, i KNOW that in my heart. i dont know how to explain it, its jsut the intuition. I also know that im being sensitive as always...but its hard to keep up a smiling face when the one person you trust is being so...i dunnos, distant.
Ive never had good luck with people. i somehow managed to become semi-popular and very well liked, but it doesnt mean anything to me other than vanity reasons. when im around people lately i feel like a freak, its hard for me to sustain any interest in the present conversation (adhd)because im too busy feeling every word mentioned, and it just ends up getting harder and harder for me to get the motivation to go anywhere. like i mentioned befoer, my fire feels like its dimming, and no one tends it back to health...they jsut sit and take the warmth left from it. really i feel like the only thing keeping me going is hope. i dunnos if i sound pitiful adn full of complaint...im just really hoping that this is all temporary. i find myself avoiding people everywhere, on the internet and in physical world. So many people have been coming to me unloading their problems, one person even came to my house jsut so they could cry on ym shoulder...they say that its easier to talk to me than anyone else...but i cant help feeling a little used, cause i end up having no one to really talk to :/ dont get me wrong, i want to help make the world better for people and im willing to listen to thema dn give them the suport they need, its jsut hard when i feel so empty inside :/ i was in class the other day and someone was talking and then BAM suddenly i felt like running away and dissapearing adn never seeing these people again...i dunnos
sometimes i jsut want to paint and write adn not worry about anything else. i want to play with the kitten that i was never allowed to have, and fall asleep next to my yummy boy. thats all i want.
i guess i just needed to let this out wiht some hopefuly likeminded people :/ thank you.
|Thursday, October 5th, 2006|
After spending a long while reading through this journal, I found myself relating with the posters' experiences. I'm a 4w5 myself; I've studied Riso-Hudson and it's been very insightful. In fact it's the only thing I've found even remotely useful in my life. Oddly enough I'm skeptical and not at all artistic (less any criticism of my futile attempts), but I'm extremely imaginative and spend all my time in fantasy, and respond from feeling and not much else... and so on. :)
Anyway, this has been interesting. I look forward to reading more. *Waves*
|Monday, July 31st, 2006|
Hi people ))
I have a trouble deciding whether I am 4 with a 5 wing, or the other way around - 5w4. I used to test as a 5 few years ago, but just yesterday I did a test which showed 4 ! And it seemed convincing for some reason. Any tips from people who were in the same situation? I need some clarity :)
|Saturday, November 12th, 2005|
I have found it increasingly hard to be an introvert in an extroverted society lately (I'm an INFP as well as a 4w5.) To the best of my knowledge, most 4w5s are introverted (correct me if I'm wrong) so I thought you guys could probably relate. I only have a few close friends, and a boyfriend; I'm past the drug-taking, binge-drinking phase of my life (see: depression and anxiety issues.) Being in college and not being interested in parties doesn't get me anywhere. I'm fine with socializing with people in safe environments (work and school, where there's a set amount of time that I'll be around them) but outside of those parameters I get anxious around most people. unless I've allowed myself to become close to them. I don't mind being myself for extended periods of time (although I do live w/ my boyfriend, which can be trying) but people see me as strange; I don't always want to go out on friday and saturday nights and get wasted, I'm not jumping at every invite out that I get. My boyfriend always worries about me; I don't know how to explain the fact that I need some wind-down time, away from the constant motion of other people. My parents seem really weirded out by the fact that I have 'so few friends'. Most of my friends I met through my boyfriend. Now I feel bad, like a loser, for not having more friends, but I don't always feel like I need them; the only time I really feel like I need more friends is when other people bring up the fact that I'm not very social. I've also been a solitary person and probably always will be, but so few people understand that. I'm sorry, this is really just a little therapeutic rant, but I just wanted to get it out and I knew that people in this community would probably understand this more than anyone else. How do you deal? Current Mood: discontent
|Sunday, August 28th, 2005|
I have only recently heard of the Enneagram and have taken several online and book tests and read up a bit on it. Usually I get a 4w5 result but have also recieved a 5w4.
My confusion comes from the fact that I am not artistic at all.
But I am very emotional and have the unfortunate habit of coming across as meladramatic at times. Actually not really- but that is how my family and best friend sees it. I really do think they are all just a tad cold emotion-wise. I am a loner and suffer from agoraphobia and panic attacks. I love to read, sleep and surf the internet and learn stuff. Stuff as in stupid stuff. Or at least what other's seem to think is a 'big waste of time' stuff. I hop around to different things in circles. Intense short term knowledge hoarding always going back to something I had gotten completely bored of a few months before.
I do live in my head a lot. I have several different alternative realities I live in. I make up the most stupid roles for myself. Well they aren't stupid at the time but um, looking back at ones I have outgrown- yeah. Which I am ashamed of and that is what keeps grabbing me about 4's. I didn't think there were any other sane people who did that let alone enough people to be a defining feature of a personality type.
Maybe it is because my family and friend are 1's 3's and 8's. They are no-nonsense type people. So this is something I really never admitted to in any but a 'yeah I was zoning, sorry' kind of way.
Also I think it is hard for me to figure out what type and wing because it seems like all the characteristics that are 4 or 5 are things that my therapists have tried to eradicate in me for the last few years.
Okay now that I gave you all TMI, you can tell me what you think.
|Saturday, July 30th, 2005|
Enneagram discussion board, if anyone's interested. It's slow and boring at the moment: needs fresh blood. http://xsorbit29.com/users5/ediots/index.php
you have to be 'switched on' after you take an username by the moderator but that shouldn't take long.
|Friday, July 29th, 2005|
Essay topic: There are a lot of fake fours around. Discuss.
Any of you people think you might not actually be a four but have fallen under the allure of the description (for reasons unknown)?
Lots of 6s, 9s and the occasional 2 and 7 think they're a four ime.
|Friday, July 1st, 2005|
Wow - somebody posted here...
|Wednesday, November 10th, 2004|
Potatoes and shame
Hello, friends. I have an issue... I happen to be a very emotional person (naturally, a four). I couldn't tell you how freely I express emotion; I know it is not as freely as it used to be. I can't decide if that is good or not, as I feel emotions are foolish, and any candid expression of them therefore makes me a fool. However, I am forced to express them; it is something I cannot stop (although I believe I have managed to do a lot better in the detachment department as of late). Does anyone else experience this? Current Mood: 4w5 so/sp INFJ
|Tuesday, November 9th, 2004|
Thus spake the Ballard fire... possibly cross-posted.
Hullo, 4w5 so/sp INFJ here. Last weekend, or perhaps the one before (I've lost my sense of time due to sleep deprivation) I went out with some friends. The initial "friend" (whom I have my suspicions is futilely hoping for more) is a 9w1 INFP, and we met up and drove by his suggestion
to see some mutual friends, though they are much better known by him. The friend we first met up with thinks he is a 4w5 INFJ such as myself (but I have also known him to claim 5w4, and before this he had never revealed his personal MBTI speculations). I have no idea what the type of the other fellow accompanying us was, but I suppose that doesn't matter. Onward.
On the long drive to meet the INFJ, the INFP was already expressing deep-seated annoyance, it seemed, that we were going to hang out with them, although it was his suggestion that we go and that I drive. I tried to dismiss this, as I didn't really feel like I would have enjoyed myself had just the two of us hung out (for obvious reasons). However, he kept bringing it up for the entire eight hours that we were hanging out whenever no one else was in hearing range, or when their attention was diverted elsewhere. He also proceeded to call the other INFJ "manipulative" and continued to express his irritation in that vein. Not only this, but all throughout the night wherever we were he did not seem to want to be, and kept making blunt suggestions that we leave even though he was not the one who drove long distances without gas money (I was) and no one else seemed to mind the current situation, in fact, you might say that except for his presence we were enjoying
Onward. We went to a nearby beach in Seattle and found an already burning fire, opened a bottle of wine (most of which spilled, so it was a fruitless endeavor) and a philosophical discussion of a few hours' time was had. (Yes, I am aware of the clichedness of that particular situation, please feel free not to point it out.) I was greatly amused by the banter, having not myself been in the company of those who understand such matters very often. Also, the cerebral context of those types of conversations leaves me begging for more, as it is rare to find people with more than the normal vacuous interests and pursuits. Though my enjoyment was great, the INFP seemed to almost immediately take on a defensive role, and ended up making himself look a colossal fool. At times when I turned my head in order to furtively stifle a smile I knew to be rising, I caught the other INFJ doing the same, as well as the third counterpart on occassion. Though very simple, polite, non-attacking questions were asked, the INFP expressed several times that he felt he was being attacked, and later admitted to me that he tried to bury his true answers in fancy phrases so as not to appear prototypical. Naturally, I saw through this ruse right away, and judging by the pointed questions the two others put forth--inquiries intended to eventually force him to glean his true meanings rather than hide behind his poorly formed etymologous veil--they did as well. At his insistence we finally left, and after dropping the INFJ off I had to go through the arduous task of hiding my annoyance at the INFP's escalating ridiculousness, as well as play the role of explaining himself (his feelings and actions) to him. He kept freely speaking that he had a really good time, and I could not believe he could be so asinine.
A few days later he called me and we met up for coffee with the INFJ. I came in later than they, and we began discussing the MBTI. Wanting to hear their perspectives on the differences between Perceivers and Judgers, I asked them what they thought the differentiating characterstics were. I was extremely affronted when the INFP stated that P's were "more graceful" than J's, though he did not detect my offense. He had quite a bit of trouble saying anything concrete, and as such did not manage to at all, which was something I noticed on the night prior when I asked the very simple question of where he might like to live. He could not even give one example!
I suppose what I would like to know are simply your analyzations of the situation at hand. Why are two types that are so nearly the same so completely different? Is this possibly a rare case? My closest friend, a girl, happens to be a 9w1 INFP as well, and she has never acted so absurd as this other did. Also, since I could not get a straight answer worth armadillo-dung from him about anything
, what are your experiences with the separate ways that the Judgers and Perceivers work?
Thank you, and good day. Current Mood: ennuiatic
|Thursday, May 27th, 2004|
Hello Fellow 4w5's! I'd love to chat with some kindred souls. Not many of us around, apparently. We're must be rare breed. Current Mood: melancholy